Loss

I lost someone with whom I work recently.  This was so completely unexpected that I was in total shock when I heard the news.  She was a beautiful person, not at all sick or ailing.  A loss like this sickens and angers me.  It is just so pointless.

She had dreams, she had goals for her life, and now none of them will happen for her.  I wake up dreaming of seeing her at work.  She is walking by surrounded by her friends, but her smile is frozen, like it was in the memorial picture.  I just can't seem to bring myself to believe that she is really gone.  I can't imagine that her life is really over and that none of those dreams will come true for her.  It seems like she is off visiting relatives or on vacation or something.  It helps me understand why some people think it is so important to see the person's body in their casket.  There is nothing quite so final as seeing that person in that state.  It is complete that that person's soul, what makes them who they are, is no longer there.  I didn't get to see her.  I didn't get to say goodbye.

I miss her.

Mindset

Abraham Lincoln said, with malice toward none with charity to all.

Two months ago, I had that reversed in my heart.  I had malice for all and charity for none.  It was understandable really, when I look back and consider the circumstances that lead up to that time.  Still, I remember a time when life could throw every pitch in the book at me and I still had happiness in my heart.

I have observed, recently in particular, that as we age our flavors come out in us.  Traits that we maybe only had a little of in our youth become accentuated and more prominent when we are older.  It's as if we are born a liquidy broth and throughout our lives boil down to a thick gravy.  Which would explain my we get wrinkles.  : )  Years ago, someone very important to me asked me what I wanted from life.  I replied that I just wanted to be happy.  He said, "Well, yeah, but that's what everyone wants."  I know everyone says that, but they don't always mean it.  My sister once asked me if she looked older than another woman standing near us.  She said she really wanted to know, and wanted an honest answer.  Did she really?  Of course not!  But I really meant it when I said that what I wanted was to be happy.  I have never needed or wanted a lot of money, except for some of the few things that it can bring.  It helps me to be happy when I don't have to worry about where the money is coming from for me to pay rent, or find the gas money to get to work every day, or buy groceries.  I want to be able to travel in as much as that travel allows me to visit and spend time with family and friends.  That being said, I would love to see Ireland, England, Scotland, Italy, France, Russia, Lithuania, Croatia, Israel, the Serengeti, Brazil, Spain, and any island in the Caribbean.  I don't think it would be much fun if I went alone, though I could still be happy alone.

I don't think I will get all of those pipe dream fantasies in my life, but I also don't want to get to the end of my life and be bitter and unhappy because I didn't do all of the things I dreamed of.  Now I have "things" that I want, not so much because I have a desperate need to acquire, but because I have had the experience of renting a place, putting my heart and soul into it, taking care of it, and then having it taken away by the lawful owner even though that was my home.  At this point, that is what I want: a home of my own that I can put my heart and soul into without fear of someone sweeping in one day on a whim and taking it away, assuming that I have been paying the mortgage of course.  I want to be happy in my job even if my boss is being a jerk, moreover, I don't want to sit in judgment of my boss even in the worst of times.  I want to work passionately and live passionately.  I want to take moments to enjoy little things that others may not hold to value, but not judge those who don't see the treasure in front of them.  In short, I want to live my life like Abraham Lincoln.

If you are not familiar with Dale Carnegie, or his principles, you are long overdue in learning about him.  You would think something that was introduced in the 1930's would be very out-dated at this point, but it is as fresh as the day it was written.  I'm sure you will love it.  This is a link to a sample.  Check out some of his books if you get the chance.

http://www.dalecarnegie.com/assets/1/7/Secrets_of_Success.pdf

Is It Time to Jump?

"Living and dying are easy, it's transitions that difficult."

It's a little extreme, but sums things up nicely.  My difficulty with transitions is that once I get to a certain point I just want to let go of one and make the leap to the other.  The problem arises when the other party involved doesn't want to leap in the same direction as me.  We both leap in opposite directions, resulting in one of us falling down, usually me.  Basically, I don't want to get hurt.

If I guard myself against the change, I will protect myself from getting hurt.  Who doesn't want to save themselves from pain that can be avoided.

What if they don't want me?

While it always feels good to be wanted, what if I don't want them, and what if this looks good now, but leads to devastating consequences?  Chocolate cake is like that.  It looks devine, but too much of it is certainly not good for anyone.  That is the problem that I am having right now.  I have had a year of having to adapt, adjust, and accept change.  that doesn't put me in a position of wanting to look for change again.  Too much of a good thing.

So, I have two choices.  I can stay put and try to have some time to calm down and relax, or I can embrace a change, should it come my way.

I hem and haw over choices like this, and even say to family that I can't choose yet because I don't have all of the information, but that's not true.  I will wait to make my choice until the moment it is posed to me, then I will make it through gut instinct in the moment.

Changes

I've never been someone who likes or looks forward to changes.  They are often disruptive to your finances, digestion, comfort, and personally my mental sense of stability.  Therefore, I try to avoid them, delay them, and at all costs evade them.  If I could stick my head in the sand and just ignore the signs around me I would.  I would plod along, happy in my chosen ignorance, seemingly oblivious to the impending doom that is change.  Yet, no one wants everlasting winter, and we would all eventually tire of ongoing summer.  Therefore, sometimes change is a thing to look forward to.

There are certain conditions for me, though.  I want to see the change coming.  No one wants a tornado to hit without being forewarned about it, so it is for me with change.  I realize this can't be controlled for with everything, but it can with some things.  I've been told recently that I am someone who likes to wade in to change, but that is not always the case.  I can jump when it is time, but at this point it just feels too late to be jumping.  I want to be able to gather as much information as possible, otherwise, how do I know if I am leaping in the right direction.

A boss I once had described me as someone who over-thinks things, but then I thought that she could stand to think things through a bit more before acting upon them.  To each their own.  If I am going to be thinking of making a major change, I want to do it weighing all variables, especially as I have multiple motivations for wanting to think of making a change to begin with, and each one carrying a significant weight for me.  My one fear in all of this is that in some way considering this change will in some way negatively impact me should I choose not to do it.  This may seem irrational, but stranger things have happened.

I'll also admit that there is a part of me that is hesitant as to if this really is something that I want at all.  I know I will have to make a change eventually anyway, but is this really the right one?  It isn't the only avenue open to me, and I want to be sure that I am looking at what I am giving up as a possibility before I cast it aside.  I don't see that as dragging my feet really, or avoiding the change.  I see it as attempting to jump from one tightrope to another while balancing all of the priorities of life.  This is not a move to be made when you are off balance, which is what I have been lately.  I am likely to make a wrong move and be unhappy with it, though not making a move is also a choice, and also one that I could be unhappy with.

Vacation's End

I don't want to go.

Vacation is about to come to an end, and I don't want to leave.  It's not so much that I don't want to go home as I don't want to leave this place.  I want to have my cake and eat it too.

My vacation is always going to my childhood home.  Do I want to visit other places?  Of course I do, but I always find that when I have the time and money to go, I want to come back here.  I remember staying here alone one night.  There was a storm moving in.  I went out to the porch and watched the trees blowing and the lightning and storm clouds moving in across the water.  I loved it.  It was absolutely beautiful.  I couldn't imagine any place better.  I still feel that way.  I felt that way when I moved away.  At the time it was one of the only options available to me.  There wasn't work here, so I had to go someplace there was, besides, isn't it our destinies to "leave the nest"?

There is something completely mesmerizing about the way the light plays on the water.  It reminds you that the water is constantly in motion, and yet when a boat travels across it, its like a painter smeared his paint with his brush across the canvas, but, slowly, the water will return to its shimmering perfection.  I could start crying at any second when I start to think about leaving.  But the stress of uprooting my life to try to come closer to here battles with the connection I have with this place and the importance it has in my life.  I never like upsetting people, or inconveniencing them, and I feel like that's what I would be doing to my employer, but we only get one chance in this life, just one life.  A fact that was brought home to me today in a very real and heart-breaking way.

Someone I care about very much died recently; I just learned of it today.  She was so young, and had so many plans for her life.  She was going to go to college, and knew exactly what she wanted to study and do with her life.  She knew what college she wanted to go to and what she was going to do to make sure she got in and was successful when she got there.

We all have plans like that, but hers will never come to pass for her.  Her journey came to an abrupt end, far too soon.  It reminds me to make the most of my own, and to take advantage of every opportunity that comes my way, and to try to make opportunities for myself when i don't see them immediately in front of me.  My problem always lies in knowing what I want.  I often feel torn in so many ways.  In part because I want to please others, but also because I see that each choice will lead to a different end result and make me into a different person, and I can't decide which path I want to take and which person I want to be.

Olde Peninsula Brewpub and Restaurant Root Beer and Reuben

Where I live, people love to recommend restaurants.  They say, "Oh, you HAVE to try such and such a place.  Their food is just the best!"  And what do you know, they are wrong, every time.  At best it is mediocre, or it might be down-right terrible.  I am always better off eating at home.  The food more consistent, has better texture, flavor and variety, and has a better value for the cost.

On trips, however, it is always best to sample the local fare.  While in Michigan, we stopped at Olde Peninsula Brewpub and Restaurant in Kalamazoo.  I had been there before when traveling, many times.  I have loved it in the past, but when it is the first real stop after leaving home, it is like an oasis to a parched mouth.  I always get a Brewpub Dip and a root beer to start.

The root beer is brewed on site along with many of the beers that are on tap.  It was perfectly balanced with the soda water, and nice and cold.  It has the same quality as Root Beer Barel candies that make my tongue a little tingly and numb along with classic root beer taste.  This is nothing like any root beer that may be bought in a store.  Fortunately, they sell growlers to go.  I believe it is 1/2 gallon in size.

There is no dip that compares with the Brewpub Dip where I live.  There are plenty of restaurants that have an artichoke dip of some kind, but this is different.  It has asiago cheese, sun-dried tomatoes, and artichoke hearts.  It may also have a splash of the trade-mark Haymarket Ale.  It has a remarkable, unrepeatable taste, with a wonderful smooth texture with occasional chunks of artichoke or tomato that aren't too big.  The cheese, while being flavorful, is not overpowering and doesn't disrupt the texture.

O.P. used to have a fabulous prime rib dip, but it is no longer there.  There is the danger with prime rib that the bun may be filled with fat instead of meat.  That is my guess as to why they got rid of it.  When they got it right, WOW, was it good.  So, given that it was no longer there, I had to find something new to try.  Browsing through the menu, I decided to turn back to an item that always used to be good, rather ordinary, but good: the Reuben.  Years ago, it used to be made with  sliced, processed corned beef.  Nothing extraordinary, but fine.  If there isn't a Club sandwich, I usually go for a Reuben.  When they put the plate down in front of me, I was amazed.  It was the same swirled rye bread brought in from the local bakery.  All the bread and buns at O.P. are excellent.  It had a nice amount of rye flavor, could maybe have even been stronger.  The thousand island dressing was present, and blended nicely with the cheese.  The sauerkraut was not too strong, and was lacking in mustard seed, thankfully.  The star of this sandwich was the corned beef, exactly as it should be.  They have changed out the cheap, processed, sliced sandwich meet for in-house roasted real corned beef.  It was juicy and tender, with very little fat.  My teeth bit right through the meet with none of it getting stuck between my teeth.  It was absolutely fantastic!  I can't wait until my next tip to come back to it again.  It would amazing in a morning hash.

If you every make it to Kalamazoo, Michigan, stop by Olde Peninsula on West Main Street for a quality meal.

What does it take to be a waterskier?

I watched someone waterskiing on the lake today.  It is a perfectly normal activity and one that I have done often.  This man was an experienced skier, but not a professional.  He was skiing slalom, and was doing it well.  He wasn't fancy, but was solid throwing up the occasional rooster tail to a minor level.  He was enjoying himself.  In that moment, I was able to do something that I haven't been able to do in nearly ten years.  I re-lived the feeling of being on the water, without the re-living the pain of a major injury or the trauma of a bad fall.  

It brought tears to my eyes, watching this man go by on the lake.  Then, my elation of gliding across the surface of water on a single ski, was punctuated by the burning, stabbing pain of the thought that I will never get to do that again. But maybe that doesn't have to be true.  Maybe there is a chance that I can do things like waterskiing, racing down a mountain road on my bike, or learning to down-hill ski.  I don't know what's worse, having hope that one day I can do these things again, or having no hope to do them again.  

It is said that there are two ways to control a society: fear, and hope.  I can avoid doing things because I fear the pain that may follow, or I can hope to do them(without pain).  That hope can cut like a hot blade, right through the heart of me.  How dreadful an existence it would be without hope.  Isn't that when we shrivel up and die?  

Waterskiing is about calculation, control, and strength.  The skier must calculate the angles necessary to make different curves.  We must be stronger than the pull of the water trying to suck our ski into the cut of the water.  We must control every part of our ski, and have constant, steadying strength in our legs arms, and core.  Our entire body responding in an instant to the bounce of the water under us and the push of the wind against our body and over the water. This form of control has nothing to do with fear or hope, it is about inspiration. When working with inspiration, it has nothing to do with control, it has to do with allowing growth.  There is also a form of upright, holding in type of control that comes with an activity like that.  That kind of control has served me well in many situations in life, though I have started to think recently that I need to branch out to have a wider tool set to work with.  Not everything in life is a waterskiing competition and I have been treating it like it is.  

I would love to do it again, but in many ways that part of my life is over.  Now it is time to move to another phase, which may require a new form of strength to accomplish and achieve.