Vacation's End

I don't want to go.

Vacation is about to come to an end, and I don't want to leave.  It's not so much that I don't want to go home as I don't want to leave this place.  I want to have my cake and eat it too.

My vacation is always going to my childhood home.  Do I want to visit other places?  Of course I do, but I always find that when I have the time and money to go, I want to come back here.  I remember staying here alone one night.  There was a storm moving in.  I went out to the porch and watched the trees blowing and the lightning and storm clouds moving in across the water.  I loved it.  It was absolutely beautiful.  I couldn't imagine any place better.  I still feel that way.  I felt that way when I moved away.  At the time it was one of the only options available to me.  There wasn't work here, so I had to go someplace there was, besides, isn't it our destinies to "leave the nest"?

There is something completely mesmerizing about the way the light plays on the water.  It reminds you that the water is constantly in motion, and yet when a boat travels across it, its like a painter smeared his paint with his brush across the canvas, but, slowly, the water will return to its shimmering perfection.  I could start crying at any second when I start to think about leaving.  But the stress of uprooting my life to try to come closer to here battles with the connection I have with this place and the importance it has in my life.  I never like upsetting people, or inconveniencing them, and I feel like that's what I would be doing to my employer, but we only get one chance in this life, just one life.  A fact that was brought home to me today in a very real and heart-breaking way.

Someone I care about very much died recently; I just learned of it today.  She was so young, and had so many plans for her life.  She was going to go to college, and knew exactly what she wanted to study and do with her life.  She knew what college she wanted to go to and what she was going to do to make sure she got in and was successful when she got there.

We all have plans like that, but hers will never come to pass for her.  Her journey came to an abrupt end, far too soon.  It reminds me to make the most of my own, and to take advantage of every opportunity that comes my way, and to try to make opportunities for myself when i don't see them immediately in front of me.  My problem always lies in knowing what I want.  I often feel torn in so many ways.  In part because I want to please others, but also because I see that each choice will lead to a different end result and make me into a different person, and I can't decide which path I want to take and which person I want to be.