Ghosts from the Past

I was visited today by a ghost from my recent past. 


Something happened today that brought back an experience that was devastating to me.  I could almost say it broke my heart, or maybe it was my spirit.  I really don't know.  I was starting to think I was over this.  I had been able to thoroughly review this horror just this week, maintaining complete composure.  I was proud that I was able to do that.  But then today, I found myself suddenly  thrust into a nearly identical situation.  I was simply not able to keep my cool. 


Before I knew it, I was responding from a completely emotional center, with only very little restraint.  I didn't like how this made me feel.  I can accept being emotionally affected by this, I am ashamed of responding in an emotional way.  I wish I could go back and replay that moment again to be able to respond differently. 


Thinking back to that moment today, I was completely consumed by the depth of the terror that had exploded from within me.  Until I am better able to filter this emotion, I need to avoid experiencing it all together, until eventually, I simply do not feel it any longer. 


Does this sound like I am proposing suppressing the emotion until it disappears?  It sure sounds like it to me, which makes me hear how completely absurd that suggestion is.  That's not usually the way these things work.  I do realize that, however, thinking back to the past few months, during which I have worked on diminishing the fear, rage, and recrimination that had been continually bubbling at the surface prior to that.  It was really the recent change I made that helped me to really set these feelings aside.  I hadn't felt anything close to that in weeks.  Anticipating that result was one of many motivations when deciding to make the change I did. 


I'm doing so well with it in general, but when that situation comes up again, I am right back where I started.  People keep telling me to give it time, and I will.  I'm just wondering how much time it is going to take.  I don't want this following me around for the rest of my life.  It is simply not welcome.