Progress

I have been bombarded with changes and adjustments over the past few months.  It has been a wonderful exercise in patience and tolerance, more with myself than others.  It is part of what I was missing before.  I used to have it, but the managerial-type position that I was in just didn't seem to allow me to use those skills, or was it that I wasn't allowing myself to use them. 


I know that people can make changes without changing their circumstances, but it is so very difficult to do without some form of catalyst.  It doesn't have to be uprooting oneself, it doesn't even have to be major change of any variety, but it can help when you are unable to make the movement begin in any other way.


I am glad for the changes that I made several months ago.  I have made strides and strides of progress in feeling more myself, stronger and more confident, while maintaining patience and tolerance. The anger and rage that were burning through me have gone down to embers.  That is a fire I have always had in me, and it can rise up again in a moments notice.  I've always been a little afraid of that part of me, never entirely trusting that I would be able to maintain control once it started getting too intense.  There may be something to that idea of embracing your emotions, but I think that can go too far.  I don't know. 


I am trying to find a balance.  With help at home, so much help, I am on my way.  The goal being that I will be able to dust off some other dreams and be able to pursue them while maintaining other areas of my life.  I am so eternally grateful that I have a partner in my life who is willing to pitch in and help in any and every way possible to help me make this happen. 


I finally feel like I am moving forward, and in a way where I can flow with the river instead of struggling upstream against boulders and logs continually thrown in the way.


Just keep swimming.

Ghosts from the Past

I was visited today by a ghost from my recent past. 


Something happened today that brought back an experience that was devastating to me.  I could almost say it broke my heart, or maybe it was my spirit.  I really don't know.  I was starting to think I was over this.  I had been able to thoroughly review this horror just this week, maintaining complete composure.  I was proud that I was able to do that.  But then today, I found myself suddenly  thrust into a nearly identical situation.  I was simply not able to keep my cool. 


Before I knew it, I was responding from a completely emotional center, with only very little restraint.  I didn't like how this made me feel.  I can accept being emotionally affected by this, I am ashamed of responding in an emotional way.  I wish I could go back and replay that moment again to be able to respond differently. 


Thinking back to that moment today, I was completely consumed by the depth of the terror that had exploded from within me.  Until I am better able to filter this emotion, I need to avoid experiencing it all together, until eventually, I simply do not feel it any longer. 


Does this sound like I am proposing suppressing the emotion until it disappears?  It sure sounds like it to me, which makes me hear how completely absurd that suggestion is.  That's not usually the way these things work.  I do realize that, however, thinking back to the past few months, during which I have worked on diminishing the fear, rage, and recrimination that had been continually bubbling at the surface prior to that.  It was really the recent change I made that helped me to really set these feelings aside.  I hadn't felt anything close to that in weeks.  Anticipating that result was one of many motivations when deciding to make the change I did. 


I'm doing so well with it in general, but when that situation comes up again, I am right back where I started.  People keep telling me to give it time, and I will.  I'm just wondering how much time it is going to take.  I don't want this following me around for the rest of my life.  It is simply not welcome.

Simple Pleasures

It's been such a good week.  I feel so lucky today.  How fortunate I am to come to the end of the work week and feel this way.  There aren't many that do.  Mostly I'm tired, but I'm also satisfied.  I have plenty of work to do, and while there is some amount of pressure to get it done, it is not uncomfortable or unpleasant. 


What is best is that I feel like I have the time and energy to still enjoy my life away from my job, but that my job is also one of the things I want to spend the time and energy enjoying.


I made a point tonight after work to aim for balance between things that needed to be done and those things I wanted to do.  But the thing I noticed just like my work week, is that the key to that is to want to do the things that need to get done.  I have always been terrible about that.  I am a procrastinator and an avoider when it comes to unpleasant tasks.  I hate doing the dishes or folding the laundry, but I was determined that tonight was going to be different.  I did start by doing something that I feel like I never have time to do during the work week, which I have been longing for over the past days: reading a book in the hammock in the yard.  It was so peaceful and refreshing. 


A short while later I was walking the dog when in front of me rose a sliver of a crescent moon.  It was a crisp, milky shred of a moon hanging between the trees.  It was so simple, pure and lovely.  I don't know quite what it is about a crescent moon that always makes me realize just how small I am.  Perhaps it has something to do with how small and delicate something so large appears.  Either way, it only has to take a moment like that to help me feel revitalized, even as I am exhausted.


When I returned, I was able to look at rinsing and drying the dog, doing the dishes and making dinner not as a chore, but as something good that I could do for my family and my household.  The task hadn't changed, what had was my frame of mind in thinking about the prospect of doing these things which are normally unpleasant tasks to work my way around or finish as quickly as possible.


I finished my day with a bowl of ice cream, a small bowl; well, tiny really, but a bowl none the less.  I had wanted some cookies and cream ice cream, but as I was standing in the freezer section looking at the selection, I remembered other times I had had cookies and cream ice cream when I bought it.  I was never quite satisfied with it.  It seemed like I was eating gritty vanilla, with only occasional bites and tastes of cookies.  I had the idea instead to buy vanilla ice cream and a package of Oreos.  Boy, was that a good idea.  With about a scoop and a half of ice cream I mixed two crushed Oreos, having used the heal of a knife to crush them gently on the cutting board.  I waited until the ice cream had softened a little, and then stirred it up.  It was absolutely delicious.  Now I know for certain what to do the next time I want cookies and cream ice cream. 


I remember being in 6th grade and having an older girl say to me in the bathroom, "Simple minds, simple pleasures." in response to something I had laughed about.  She had intended it as an insult even though what I was laughing at wasn't hurting anyone.  I remember brushing it off for the most part at the time, but it has stuck with me all these years.  What she had intended as something to hurt me at the time has in a way turned into my mantra.  There is nothing wrong with keeping a simple mind.  It is uncluttered, and unencumbered by the tangles of complications.  It makes for rather clear thinking.  Simple doesn't have to equal stupid.  Also, I have found that some of my happiest times have come from simple pleasures.  These pleasures have been particularly steadying to me in times of trial.  I still value them most now as they almost always surround people or places that I love, but also that they don't rely on anyone else for me to be happy.  In other words:


"Simple minds, simple pleasures." = I make my own happiness.

When Change is the Right Thing

Change can sometimes be the easiest thing.  That doesn't always make it the right thing to do.  Some people have an easy time walking away.  When things start to get difficult, stressful, or too demanding, they simply leave. 


Sometimes staying through those difficult times can be the best thing to do.  It may lead to even better things than prior to that point.  On the other hand, they may not.  There often comes a time when it is past the point of no return and it is past time to go.  Someone close to me is a self-professed quitter.  I have never wanted to be like that.  There is so much that is missed out on when you quit too soon. 


I have been worrying about my recent decision to make a change.  It required that I walk away from one thing in order to do it.  That is never an easy choice to make.  I have always had a certain level of anxiety not only about decisions to make major life changes, but around people.  I don't tend to do things if it means I do it alone.  I always prefer to have someone with me, but who doesn't?!  Is it part of the whole reason girls like to go to the bathroom in groups, and guys go to the bar together, or is it really that they just like being together and "hanging out"?  I like to have the security of someone that I know and am somewhat comfortable with. 


Now I find myself in a position where I know no one.  The strangest part is my lack of  anxiety with all of this.  How is it possible that I change things, like I have done a dozen times before in my life, but have none of the anxiety, insecurity, and worry that I have had every other time?  Because it was the right time to do the right thing.  I am reasonably certain of it at this point.  It was the easy thing as well as being the right thing.  Of course, it has its inherent difficulties, but I haven't lost a minute of sleep over this, and haven't felt the least bit nervous about any of it.  I have felt relaxed and completely myself. 


In part I attribute that to all the things I've learned, and all the ways I have been allowed to grow up to this point.  I will be eternally grateful for this. 


Lesson learned:  When something is done because it is the right thing, there won't be residual negative feelings.  Banish feelings of recrimination, vengeance, or retribution, these only lead to unease and guilt. 

Ruby Throated Hummingbird

Smooth Sailing is about so much more than getting in a boat a floating down a river or on a lake.  It is about keeping an even keel in all things, especially when times get rough.  I've always thought it was essential to practice that during good times as well.  One of the easiest ways I find to do that is to look for beauty. 


Today I had the privilege of seeing a ruby throated hummingbird.  I spotted it first at the feeder I have at the edge of the porch.  It was flying away as I turned around.  I heard its wings, which was what made me turn around to begin with.  I spotted the branch it landed on and went inside to get the binoculars.  It seemed a bit strange to use binoculars to look at a tree branch less than 20 feet from the window.  I focused in on him and watched as he sat on his branch.  First I admired the bright green of his back.  Each feather was like a scale on a tropical fish.  He turned his head slightly at one point and I saw the vibrant red of his throat.  It was startling enough to make me gasp out loud.  He flew back over to the feeder at that point.  Unfortunately, he landed on the edge of the feeder opposite of the window, however, I could at one point see his long beak sticking out to the side, and his little tongue flicking in and out. 


It was a lovely experience.  It is often these little moments that give me the most pleasure and joy.  There really is nothing better than reveling in the simply beauty of these little things.  There is no price that could be place on them, and no amount of money that could buy anything equivilent.  Wealthy people can buy plenty of land, have professionally planted gardens etc., but nothing quite compares to seeing it in the wild with minimal influence. 

Baby Bear

A few afternoons ago I was sitting at the dining room table working on a project.  Something caught my eye and I looked up.  I saw the furry black back legs of something walking past the window.  Based on the quick glance I had, I thought it was a dog of some kind, maybe a labradoodle.  It was more furry than a hound.  We get a lot of wandering dogs in this area, so I didn't really think anything else of it.  I got up and went to the window, wanting to see the new dog that had come by.  When I got to the window, instead of seeing the expected dog I saw a small black bear!  I would call it a baby, though it was not a new born.  I would guess based on its size that it was a yearling, or close to.  It turned the corner to the back of the house around the porch.  Unfortunately, there are no windows on that side of the house, so I went around to the back deck, not being certain of where the bear was, and knowing it was headed in that direction.  As I got to the back door and opened it to the screen door, there he was, just at the edge of the woods.  Our dog caught sight of him in that moment.  The bear looked back and saw us, that was the first time I got to see his two-toned face.  He went running into the woods.  In that moment, the dog caught the bear's sent and changed her whine.  Her hair was up, and she was ready to go running after the bear, as is her habit.

Since then, I have been out in the garden picking beans.  I brought the dog out with me, as I was a little nervous the bear, or its mother would be back.  The dog had been barking at the woods in the back yard for several days prior to the bear sighting, making me wonder if something was in the area.  I'm glad I thought to have her with me as she started barking at something several times in the direction from which the bear would have come the day I saw it.  I also heard something larger than a squirrel rustling in the trees near me several times while I was out.  While I love seeing wildlife, I didn't want the vivid experience that would be sure to ensue with me picking from the garden as a baby bear and mother come out of the trees.

I wonder if there is a coincidence in the bear walking the same path as the bobcat that made its way through the garden back in January?  Perhaps our yard is a well traveled path for wildlife, I'm just not always looking out the window at the right time to catch it.  As always happens in moments like these, I wish I had gotten a picture, but it all happened too fast.  Maybe next time.  In the meantime, I keep looking for another baby bear sighting.

Jumping into Change

When I met my husband, I knew that I had to make a choice, to spend my life with him or not.  I knew it well before we ever started talking about marriage.  It has always been that way for me.  I see the end result well before the turn to the end has begun.

So it was with my current change.  I knew as soon as I started looking at it that I needed to truly consider if this is what I wanted, because I knew I would have the opportunity to take advantage of it.  I jumped for it.  Now the question is if I will make it across the gulf.  My jump will get me there, the question is if obstacles will arise to block my path.  One week will show me if this will work or not.  If it doesn't, it won't be the end of my world,but it will be a set-back and disappointment.

I couldn't tell in the beginning if this was really something that I wanted, now I know that it is.  It is ironic that I should arrive at this conclusion just as it is becoming evident that it isn't fully up to me if I can keep this prize.

Is it worse not to know if you are ready for change, or to be ready and be help back by someone else?